Best Man Speech

This speech was given few years ago in a place called Leicester, about 150 miles from London, as we attended one of our friend’s wedding, which caused a lot of distress I hear later after this speech when we left. Only recently I was shown the video of from that night of the speech and now I realise that with each words I uttered, there was an element of mistrust in groom’s wife, as her face and expressions minced into anger and obviously not much liking for me and probably the rest of the crew. I did however offer my apology with the note that it was done in the best interest to cover the situation at that time and next time we be more careful if we were to attend our friend’s wedding, the groom. However, this created another conflict and since then we are not in her good books. Each time an apology is offered, we manage to get ourselves into another situation. But as they say, it’s more beautiful this way rather than to be in agreement…If humour is the key then it is with this we served our intentions and our joy when the opportunity arises.

Anyway please read and enjoy…….

Khawateen o Hazrae’t, Ladies and Gentlemen,

Asalaam-o-Aliakum, Hello, Hola’, Guten Tag, and all the other greetings representing those nationalities here I could cover off in a single instance without having to break!!!

It’s great to see all of you, gathered here tonight to participate and have fun on this auspicious day. It’s a beautiful day and let’s hope this day will remain with us for a long time….I would like to extend our thanks for a very warm welcome we received today as friends of the groom by all of you sat there tired from boredom and long wait for food.

We could not help noticing the beauty of traditional Nikkah at the mosque after the Juma prayer, ladies listening and tuning in to Molvi Sahb’s speech remotely on a secret micro-wave frequency, Leicester city throwing surprises in the form and shape of ring roads, crowds outside, and no parking spaces available for us. So apologies to those if we have blocked your way into the building as we had no choice but to leave our car as we ran out of time and had to dash.

Now let me turn my attention to some sizzling issues which a best man may encounter. This evokes an Shakespearian sense of dilemma, what to say and what not…words can carry scars; mortal wounds that can have lasting influence…I am afraid that I will not follow the samurai approach – long gone the days of rocks and stones!!!!! I will try to be civilised and subdued but at the same time make sure I keep myself on the humorous side negating the cynicism.

However, I would like to say that this does posed a great dilemma as I remember last time making a speech and causing a big havoc amongst my peers, the authorities and the general public as the school went on a strike. I was not as tactful as Cicero, the old Roman master or as considerate as the humble politicians, but more along the lines on as we currently see our politicians, diplomats and other government servants…I will try not follow this model today. All will be given the chance to hear what we have to say before they make up their mind. And please no interruptions. Clap freely if you need to, but don’t fall off from your chairs unnecessarily as it creates a lot of mess and it kind of looks bad.

The old experience comes back to haunt me at times.But as they say “forget thy past, and move on”.Also to let you know, if there is anything I say which appears to create a sense of discomfort then please do not mind as in my defence I will quote them as “ they say”.

When I found out few weeks ago from the groom that I was to be the best man and had no choice but to be there in person, on time and suitably dressed for the occasion. I agreed half-heartedly with one condition as long as it does not require me having to leave Leicester Station with no money, no wallet, and no clothes on my way back to London. The reason I say this it happened to one of my colleague at work as he followed the traditional western routine, under heavy influence of intoxicating substances in his system and in the process ended up having to part with whatever he had.So much for the concept of stag nights and being a best man.

So as you can see I am here in one piece and I guess I have some money in my pocket as well and return ticket back to London if my friends decide to depart in haste leaving me at your mercy.

This speech was written as we flew on motorway to get here on time; while the others drove in turns, I wrote in a haphazard way to make sure that at least I manage to capture the essence of this occasion and also to serve justice with whatever I need to say.

Just to give you guys a brief glimpse of last night with the groom–It consisted of eating different flavours of walkers crisp , seating arrangements for the cars, , trying out different clothes, drinking green tea to keep ourselves awake, setting alarms clocks( as we are notorious for never making it on time and at times never finding the place!) I see today as a mere stroke of luck that we all are here as a group are on time.. At times, we have spent, all dressed up in traditional suits and chappals, at service stations, on hard shoulders, in heated debates exchanging insults!.But I today I see it as a miracle in as we have managed to get here on time fairly well.

One of the things that could not escape my attention was seeing the groom in shalwar kameez at 4 in the morning, battling it out with the shalwar, not knowingly the front and back sides, the adjustment and nala(the belt)…We decided to forget about it at all and told him to look a the world map and land of freedom and opportunities!

And now I turn my attention to the groom. What kind of person he is, his qualities, idiosyncrasies and other bits and pieces… some may find it funny, some just may ignore it completely and decide to sleep it through or some may its fiction – surely he can’t be like that….Well let me assure you ladies and gentlemen, all what I say here is based on what we have observed over the years…I cannot lie; and lie I will not in front of all these people, as truth must be told.

  • Die hard passion for fruits, sweets , crisps and biscuits
  • Phone constant attached to his ear- carries two phones most of the time- one for his friends, one for international calls.
  • Voicemails on the phone barely audible
  • Tesco raids in the morning, as it is at that time when you can get the all the things displayed there for sale on reduced prices
  • Indian films, favourite actor/producer: feroz khan
  • Jackie Chan and matrix films fan
  • Very keen and active promoter of goodwill and kindness although it does land him in trouble from time to time
  • One month of training by us to help him achieve certain desirable standard of cooking, washing, ironing and any other DIY jobs one can imagine …Please make sure, first come, first served if any of you are interested in going through this training programme.
  • goes to perform Hajj and upon his return goes through all the Indian films he missed out while there

Despite all this what I have outlined above, and it may appear to be negative attributes he is indeed a person with great qualities.Man has worked hard, takes care of his family and friends..

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present you – Mr Nice Guy –our dearest friend and the man for ALL SEASONS!